The void. (space)

It's empty, right.

Any physicist will tell you it's not. Forces like gravity, starlight billions of years old, and darkness.

But how can that be, starlight and darkness?

Ask anyone who's been adrift and they'll tell you, they have felt the darkness. Even when we have a purpose out there, the darkness looms, but we push away the fear.

I was watching a vid tonight, about an introvert who found a girlfriend, and I thought, "It's never gonna work, he has too many secrets." But I'm supposed to identify with the characters. I'm not comfortable enough with my feminine side to identify with the girl, so.

There are footsteps up stairs, my wife, the love of my life is trying to sleep, but she has to go to the loo. Down here, I'm trying to figure out what's going on in my head.

There's darkness in here too. Dusty memories I could never share, I can never share. Not so much that I don't want to share, and I don't. "What would they think of me then?" But memories attached to tramatic emotions that I never want to feel again, trapped in situations I never want to be in again. Choices I made, that got me here, to this place in my life, that I never want to have to make again. Places in my head, so dark, that I wish I could forget, but they never go away.

Things remind me and take me back to that place and I feel like I'm in the void, drifting, falling forever, knowing there's no escape. The memories etched in something perenial, ever lasting, the void in my head.

Somehow, always, something eventually brings me out, and I can push the secrets back into the darkness of my mind. Looking around to see if anyone has noticed my struggle, I dust off my thoughts, try to smile and carry on. Has anyone noticed that I have been in the darkness? Do they have darkness as well? Could they ever understand my fear? My shame?

So let's be "open and honest" and tell them what they want to hear, a story they'll like, and maybe we can be friends. Hopefully, I'll find a way to live with myself.

Why am I always so tired, emotionally exhausted? Feeling like I can't go on, and yet, somehow I always do